Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
