if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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