"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
