can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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