I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
