It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
