That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I will be naked everywhere
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
