I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
false alarm, still single
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
