around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
