Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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