So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
