my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
