my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
