my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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