i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
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I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
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There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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