I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
