woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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