just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
