I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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