I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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