you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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