I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wish there were birth control emojis
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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