i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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