dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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