I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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