im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
