Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Pants are for mortals
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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