we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
