My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Less talking, more tequila
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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