I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
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trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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