From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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