did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
