I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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