you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
