I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
why is half of my head shaved?
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