I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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