Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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