i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
