When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
