Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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