I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
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The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
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We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night