one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
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Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me