what if I'm pregnant?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.