fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
