somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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