I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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