The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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