My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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