My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
