I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
