Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
