i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
