Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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