Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
