If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
