Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
soo... how was my night?
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