do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
