he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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