I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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